Saturday, September 30, 2006

Wedding Dinner Emcee

Just returned home from Malcolm's & Eileen's wedding dinner. Tasked with being their emcee for the dinner, it sure was not easy. First time I had to address soooooo many people. Thankfully, there were no major hiccups and the dinner was pretty smooth. Phew! But, somehow or rather, I ended the night feeling more tired than the happy couple themselves. Hahaha.

Was at his place the night before to conduct a bacehlor party for him. At the end of it, he got so drunk, he was still feeling slightly tipsy when he had to go pick up his wife this morning. It was my first time being in a brother-gang for wedding and it sure was an interesting experience. Plus, Malcolm trusted me with his car and I took it for a spin. Sure felt nice to be behind the wheel of a car.

Feeling totally drained by now. Had not slept since Thursday and fatigue is overwhelming me. Not good to first be kept awake because I kept thinking of someone and second to not sleep after a drinking session due to a bachelor party. YAWN!

Faith & Hope

Faith
Every wondered what faith really is?
In actual fact, faith is persistent hope
In the face of persistent doubt.

Day 099

Friday, September 29, 2006

Fate, Acts & You

Life
What is fate?
Why do you ask?
The answer lies in the composing of light and influence.
Nothing will fall to you early or late.

Man is his own star
His acts are his angels, good or ill
While his fatal shadows walks silently beside him

No matter what is timeless,
In the end you will arrive at where you have started.
That is what hope is.

In life, when we want to save somebody
Sometimes, we have to take away their innocence

You are intelligent, bold, compassionate and beautiful.
I want to know you.

Day 098

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Thought & Emotions

Thought & Emotions
Within the perfect architecture of thought
Logic might often provide the structure
But from Emotion comes the Inspiration

Humans are all ruled by emotions. Some more than others. However, it is through emotions that we gain inspiration. It is through you that I gain my inspiration.

Day 097

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Light & Truth

Light & Truth
The brightest light is invisible.
It shines through your deeds and warms the universe.
Be the light that is within you.

Many claim that evil is ugly but more often than not it is disguised in Beauty.
That is why we are tempted.
The greatest evil can be a lie spoken from a sincere face,
Whereas the greatest good can be masked by fear and hate.

Day 096

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Life Constant

Contant
In life
Change is the only constant
Fear its companion
Overcoming fear is the key to unlocking its gifts
Wherever there is danger
Opportunity lives as well
That is why we are here

Destiny is the promise I give to you
Hope, the part you play, is trusting me to keep the promise
My destiny for you is that you will always be in a special place inside my heart.

Day 095

Monday, September 25, 2006

Move & Search

Moving On
Humans are never meant to remain at a single spot for long. From young, we often hear our parents or elders asking to move along. "Go on, move along and search......" was what we must be used to hearing. As our life stages move on, we too have to keep moving and search for the next pathway.......

Year on year, we have worked. Be it bumming or slogging, we have in a way worked for our living. But, what have we really done? Is there any meaning to what we do? Is there any necessity to what we do? Do we truly need this so-called advancement in life?

As close as 1000 years ago, there was no need to process the water from any source before we drank it. Everyone just drank it and lived happily. The amount of diseases back then, as far back as the 5000 years of Chinese History, were few. Definitely much less then what we have today. So, did our so-called advancement in technology cause all these mutations? Or have we become more deficient ourselves? Most probably, no one can be sure.......

I would be the first to raise my hand up to admit that more often than not I have found my comfort zone to be very comfortable and refused to budge. However, what many of us do not realise is that, there is another comfort zone out there. One which is much much more comfortable than the current one. Why do we not reach the other comfort zone then? Although it is a much more comfortable zone, we have psyched ourselved too much to the point that we do not want to work towards attaining another level of comfort. Sad but true......

Malcolm & Eileen will be entering into the next phase of their marriage soon. Thanks to Eileen, apparently my emcee partner this Saturday is supposedly taller than me. Ah well, I know of someone who is shorter than me and I believe would do very well in the role too. No, it ain't Karen, she is history past. However, this lady does not know either Malcolm or Eileen at all, and we separated on an acrimonious note, so it might not be such a good idea......

A week long activity near her home. With the journey much shortened, I guess she should not have any more grouses about the long journey home. Glad to hear that she is back to her cheerful self again. This road which I had charted initially seems to be narrowing as the days go by. With no clear path in sight, soon I will have to make the decision to go on to another route. Moving along this journey alone, I am getting very tired, very very tired......

轉身離開 (你有話說不出來) 分手說不出來
海鳥跟魚相愛 只是一場意外
我們的愛(給的愛) 差異一直存在 (回不來)
風中塵埃 (等待) 竟累積成傷害

轉身離開 (分手說不出來) 分手說不出來
蔚藍的珊瑚海 錯過瞬間蒼白
當初彼此(你我都) 不夠成熟坦白 (不應該)
熱情不再 (你的) 笑容勉強不來 愛深埋珊瑚海

Day 094

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Progression or Regression?

Lifting the fog of relationships
It only takes a minute to find something special in someone
An hour to appreciate them
And a day to love them
But it takes an entire lifetime to forget them

I thought I knew you but......What did I ever do to you?
You are an important aspect in my life.
You made me realise my true self.
Those to whom much is given, much is asked.
If only I knew the question.
I miss you.

Day 093

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Facade

All of us wear the twin masks of emotion
Happy or Sad
Haunted or Hunted
You choose the Mask
You choose the Risk
You choose your own Poison

Suitability

Having worked in an environment where it ain't nine-to-five, I am apprehensive in going back to such a system. Naturally there are the pros and cons. In the normal 9-to-5 system, the pay is not fantastic but at least it is stable, suitable for people like me who have to pay up to $500 in study loan repayments every month for the next 10 years. In the non-normal system, with alot of peserverance, plenty of support, a healthy bank account and that little bit of luck, I would not even need to worry about my study loan repayments after 1 year. Not so suitable for someone like me whose bank account is down to the final S$17.31 with debts owed to family members. I do not even have enough in my account to withdraw money via the ATM!!! On hindsight, I might have not went for my New Zealand trip so as to reduce my debts but then again, it was a trip I wanted very much to go. If I go into the normal system, I have to consider if I really want to enter teaching. Yes, I want to teach but the academic calender is holding me back. If I enter it, I can not just pack my bags on a July afternoon and go away for a 2 weeks holiday. If I go back into Engineering or any other job, I can take leave at periods when I like but the job security is just not there. I am just not cut out for the cut-throat environment of office-politics. Recalling about this topic reminds me of a lunch I had earlier this month when someone told me about her experience out in the normal system. She shared with me the difficulties she faced and tried very hard to dissuade me from walking through the path that she went through prior. If only......


你的望遠鏡望不到我北半球的孤單
太平洋的潮水跟著地球來回旋轉
我會耐心地等 隨時歡迎你靠岸

Day 092

Friday, September 22, 2006

Wishing & Promises

Wishing
Baby, I know you're hurting
Right now you feel like you could never love again
Now all I ask is for a chance
To prove, that I love you

From the first day
That I saw your smiling face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever
Ooh when I asked you out
You said no but I found out
Darling that you'd been hurt
You felt like you'd never love again
I deserve a try honey just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in, you were so quick to judge
But honey he's nothing like me

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me (give you all of me)
Honey, that's no lie (no lie)

I'll never break your heart (I'll never break your heart)
I'll never make you cry (I never want to see you cry)
I'd rather die (baby oh no) than live without you (live without you)
I'll give you all of me
Honey, that's no lie

As time goes by
You will get to know me
A little more better
Girl that's the way love goes
Baby, baby
And I (I) know you're afraid (know you're afraid)
To let your feelings show (feelings show)
And I understand
Girl, it's time to let go (girl, it's time to let go because)
I deserve a try (try) honey
Just once (once)
Give me a chance (chance) and I'll prove this all wrong (wrong you walked)
You walked in, you were so quick to judge (quick to judge)
But honey he's nothing like me
Darling why can't you see

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (make you cry)
I'd rather die (I'd rather die) than live without you (than live without you girl)
I'll give you all of me (I'll give you all of me baby)
Honey, that's no lie

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (I'll never make you cry)
I'd rather die (die) than live without you (than live without you)
I'll give you all of me
Honey, that's no lie

I'll never break your heart
No way, no how (I'll never make you cry)
I swear (Oh I, oh I, I swear)
No way, no how (I'll never break your heart girl, I'll never make you cry)

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (Oh just give me a chance to show you how much I love you)
I'd rather die (die) than live without you (than live without you)
I'll give you all of me (I'll give you the world)
Honey, that's no lie

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me
Honey, that's no lie


Day 091

Memories

Is This The End Or Just The Beginnning?
This song has been stuck in my head together with the actions she did back then. Whenever I hear this song, it brings me back to the time when things were better. I still remember the first time I saw her, she was dressed in a blue jacket and I had approached her pensively to ask her to drop the module. What a mistake that would have been. Looking back we had a good laugh at that situation and how we would not be speaking today if she had really dropped the module. Hahaha. How I wish she is back home. How apt the title of this song......Haiz......

Lonely,
I'm Mr. Lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn

I'm so lonely,
I'm Mr. Lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn

I'm so lonely,
.
.
.
Baby you a good girl and I had no right,
I really wanna make things right,
Cause without you in my life girl
I'm so...

Lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own girl)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
I'm so lonely

Been all about the world ain't never met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cause ain't nowhere in the globe I'd rather be, ain't no one in the globe I'd rather see than the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
.
.
.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Potential

Emptyness Or Potential
Finally got too restless today and went for interviews. Just hope things will work out fine in the end. Chances are not high but nothing is impossible. Working from the heart and not from the mind will allow one to trust you more.

I hope Sweetie is feeling better now, mentally and physically. Damn, I miss her alot.

Day 090

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Hoping

Downhill
Day 089

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Mixed Emotions

Calmness or Depression?
Bumming around for these 2 days has made me feel very restless. Guess I will go swimming tomorrow to relieve more tension. While I was doing up a video CD for some of my ex-colleagues, I felt like a person outside the loop looking in.

Till now I am still pining for the one person I trusted so much. Haiz.

Day 088

Monday, September 18, 2006

Moving On

Moving On
The decision has been made and I have left the building. I leave on the note that I know I have not let anyone down. I left knowing that it would be better for all involved. No point making the situation any more uncomfortable and making my bank account any smaller. When push comes to shove, I don't like confrontations. Except unless when my loved ones are involved, then the fire will be unleashed. Nobody hurts them and gets away with it, NOBODY!

Excerpts from a letter I wrote:
......I know I am not the first choice for you.....For reasons that I can't get into right now, you have become important to me. I just don't want to be resposible for losing you or pulling you down.....I felt betrayed when the things I shared with you was made known to another. I felt sad when you no longer treated me like when I cared for you while you were ill......All I ever wanted is to take care of you. Since you feel disturbed with my presence......Whatever happends, I would like to know that deep down inside, I really was your first choice......

Day 087

Sunday, September 17, 2006

One Step

Climbing
Was out with Roy today where we talked about our various experiences applying for SIA. Alas, the power to be are so stuck up that they refuse to even grant late bloomers as myself a single interview. Eh, so what if I never passed 5 'O' Level subjects in one sitting, I pushed on and in the end I still managed to graduate from a local University, coming up through the Polytechnic route no less.

In the I just walked around town looking for a new water bottle but could not find one in the color I liked. Ah well, looks like no water bottle for another couple more days. Saw Herman while moving around aimlessly. We chatted some and caught up with out ongoings since we last met. Things are still status quo for him while for me, it could be much better.

For everything that we want, we have to take that first step. How long we take to arrive, is not the issue. If we do not even take that first step, we will never get there.

Day 086

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Wishing

Wishing
We all have wishes, I know I do. Whether these wishes come true or not, often depends on what we do. Any inability to act and wishes are nothing more than just plain brain waves.

Day 085

Friday, September 15, 2006

Rumblings

Dormant not Extinct
OK, I did a flip flop today. This morning I went down to the office and just felt so happy when I was helping a fellow newbie in presentation. After that, I had a talk with my manager and we settled on me sticking to my word. That I would do it well at least until the end of the month.

Day 084

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Reluctance

Empty or Filling?
It is with a heavy heart when I made my decision today. I have decided not to bluff myself any further and decided to pack my bags. This decision was not easy to make initially.

Day 083

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Never Smooth

Bends
Ever since I got myself into this line, I knew it would never be a smooth route from me here on. The first two months have been really tough. I was not prepared for such a job although I was enticed by the potential payout. The long hours, the effort spent and the rejections. It really is a test of my patience. However, patience can only get you so far or rather an ever-shrinking bank account.

Day 082

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Support

Openess

Day 081

Monday, September 11, 2006

Seeking

Solace

Day 080

Sunday, September 10, 2006

overcast

Rumbling
The skies were overcast today and along came a tropical thunderstorm. Got in plenty of time on the mattress with the good old pillow and bolster in lala land. Haha. This past week has been a mess for me mentally, leaving me in a state of overcast. May the new week bode well for me.

Day 079

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

Wishing

Day 078

Friday, September 08, 2006

letting go

Wondering

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, you're gone, my fault, I'm hurt
feeling like a fool cause I let you succeed
now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tension I made you suffer
I guess this time it really is GOODBYE
you made it clear when you said
Yeah! My boy-boy is coming later


Day 077

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Beautiful Things

Beautiful things can make sad people happy and bad people good.
When you think about it, Beautiful things can change the universe

Perhaps
So near yet so far. The story of my life thus far.


Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
There'll never be another love, another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs , with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That everywhere I go I'm never lonely
With you my love, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand-it's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there


Day 076

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

pensive mood

Pensive

Day 075

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Looking Good

Lake Rotorua
I am taken by your strength
I've thought about it at great length
I thought that I was happy now
But there are things that I found out
Happiness means greater things
I'll sit here 'til that telephone rings
Then WE COULD BE TOGETHER
For a while

If you said "Jump!" I'd say "How high?"
If you said "Run!" I'd run and fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass up by
And if you ask once I'll tell you twice
I'll ignore the world's advice
If WE COULD BE TOGETHER
For a while


Day 074

Monday, September 04, 2006

you can't lose what you never had

while i sat there next to the pond, looking at the families enjoying a nice day out with the children feeding the ducks, i felt warmth and a tinge of jealousy. sometimes in life, simplicity is just what we need, not all the material pursuits. then again, life ain't that simple.

Duckies

Swan
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same


Day 073

Sunday, September 03, 2006

sorting

the mess on my table is horrendous. from knick knacks of days gone by to stuff of recent past. there are stuff which meant alot at one time but serves no purpose anymore except to gather dust. there are also things which are at one time or another used but ignored more than often. then along came something recently which has captured my attention greatly. it was sitting on my desk all wrapped up. i did not know if i could open it because i did not know if it was meant for me. one thing i do know is that until it is known otherwise, i do not have exclusive right to it. do i make an effort to find out if it is meant for me? do i let it be like knicks knacks of the past where it will only lay there and gather dust? or do i, just leave it till the day it is removed from the table?

We say atoms are bound together by weak attractions
Why not admit the truth:
The universe is held together by Love

Day 072

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Choices

I woke up this morning with a very strong urge to teach. Whatsmore, there was even a bigger urge to teach at my alma mater, Saint Joseph's Institution. Lo and Behold! When I was flipping through the Recruitment pages today, there was an advert inviting trained teachers to join the SJI community. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is this a sign?

Today I had a long talk with my manager. She was nonchalant when I told her my initial dilemma. I told her my fear and about why I was making my decision. However, I could tell she was disappointed. To me, my decision could cost me a friendship. We talked about how these few months have been and did some recap of events. In the end, I decided to postpone my decision.

On my own
Pretending (s)he's beside me
All alone
I walk with (her) till morning
Without (her)
I feel (her) arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And (I) have found (her)

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights
Are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I see is (she) and me
Forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to (her)
And although I know that (s)he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love (her)
But when the night is over
(S)He is gone
The river's just a river
Without (her)
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love (her)
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me (her) world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I
Have never known

I love (her), I love (her), I love (her)
But only on my own


Day 071

Friday, September 01, 2006

Where do we go from here?

There are many paths in front of me, I just have not decided on which path to take.

Day 070