Dreaming Of A Return

For a moment in my dreams, I was back in the classroom. Where I am with my kids once again. Well, not my kids from previously but another group of kids. I hope this does not turn out to be another case of "If I dream it, it will not happen." Sigh.

Can I Do It Again?

I was at a seminar this morning. I had gotten an invitation by chance and went to see how it may help my situation. Made a couple of friends there. Some of them are considering the path for the stability. Some are for the returns. Me? It is for a possible reopening of the gate.

Spoke to a couple of the people from the organization there and they asked me to make an application again. They even took my name down and said that they will look out for my application in a week's time. Oooh. Can I do it again?

A Short Retreat

Was away these past couple of days and only just returned home yesterday. No, I did not go on a trip again. I just merely went to spend some time with some people I have missed alot. A friend of mine had booked a chalet and invited me to join in. Over 4 days, I went to and fro the chalet from work.

It was really great seeing the kids again. Over 3 days, I hardly had any sleep and stayed up late to chat with them or just to play some games with them. Even though I was very tired from work but when I see the kids, I somehow have that energy to chat with them and cook some stuff for them to eat. I am not sure if the kids were happy to see me but I enjoyed the time I had with them. We often gathered in the kitchen or the room and had long chats. We talked about mythology, religion, school, relationships, cooking, history. Even I was surprised that the kids actually listened to this old fool babble on and on for up to 2 hours in the kitchen. Haha.

Only on the second night then did I actually had some alone time with my friend and we had a nice long chat at the BBQ pit. It was great just being there. I suspect the kids thought that we are together for they were always whispering whenever we were walking together or talking to each other and when we looked at them, they would stop and laugh. Kids will be kids. In a funny sort of way, I felt like the Dad coming back each day after work, while Mum stayed and looked after the kids at the chalet. Haha. However, I know that me and my friend will always remain as such, just friends. She has so much more to do with her life and I am most definitely not her cup of tea. Also, I am too lazy a person and she has a habit which I abhore and will never "learn to like" or accept.

I would say that these kids will always hold a special place in my memories. From the time when they were yonger to what they are now, not much has changed physically but I can see that they are starting to mature. This is why I love to work with people like them. This is why I miss having an opportunity to be a part of their lives. Although I slept for a very very long time last night after work, the happy times during the week was worth the tiredness factor.

Here We Go Again

Really dread heading to my workplace again tomorrow. Sigh.

Plenty Of Dust Bunnies

Eeew. Did not realise that there are so much dust bunnies in my house. Just spent close to 3 hours sweeping and vacumming all the nooks and crannies at home. Eeee.....Yuck. At least after all that cleaning, the floor feels better to walk on and less chances of me getting my sneezing fits.

Getting The Hang Of It

Starting to get the hang of my new environment. Just have to bear with it for now. At least until I can return. I hope.

Groan...Work

Work again tomorrow. Bored......So bloody bored.

Weird Jealousy

About 2 days ago I woke up to a very strange dream. I had been writing a letter through the night to send to a person regarding my request for help. By the time I was finished, it was already 5am. Since I was due to leave home for work at about 6:45am, I thought that it would be better if I just remained awake. Just in case I overslept. Sad to say, I could not overcome my need for rest and I was soon fast asleep with the book that I was reading on my chest. Nothing could wake me up. I slept through the 2 alarms that I had set. What woke me up was something unexpected.

I dreamt that I was at a clinic or hospital of sorts. I do not know what I was doing there but I knew I was there for some appointment. I was rounding the corner to the reception desk when I saw Belle coming in. For some unknown reason, I just stayed out of sight as the receptionist greeted her and asked her about her pregnancy. Belle mentioned that she is coming along fine and that her husband is treating her well.

I immediately woke up after that and even though I was going to be late for work, I only felt exceedingly jealous. What was the reason behind this? I know it is stupid to make sense of any dream but why am I so feeling so much jealousy? Belle and I had some disagreements previously and had not been in contact for a very very long time. Some time in June, I had decided to finally lay down the ghosts of my past and not think of her as a romantic interest anymore. After all, when she stopped responding to my calls, SMS or MSN messages, it was pretty clear that I had to move on. And I did. At least I thought I did.

2 of my close friends once mentioned this to me, that even though at one time I had an interest in another girl, my heart was still with Belle. When things did not work out with this other girl, they too claimed that it is because the one I cared for is still Belle. When I made the decision to not think of Belle anymore, it was pretty easy, to say the least. Out of sight, out of mind. But when this dream of her pregnancy and marital status popped into my head, I reacted very very illogically. I am not supposed to feel jealous. To which one of my close friend claimed, "It is because even though you have buried her under everything, in truth you actually miss her. Just because you do not think of her, does not mean that she means nothing to you anymore." Could this be true? It is not right to drag things on for situations which will never bear fruit. But this? My friend asked me to let go of these thoughts for she feels that Belle has never treated me right, always blowing hot and cold.

I then joked that it could because I have grown so fat now that, since I can no longer succeed in winning the heart of any Singaporean Chinese girl, my mind could just be playing out scenes to fill in that gap in my life. Beside, our dreams are our brain's way of letting us live thorough situations of which we are not able to achieve in real life. But that dream......oooh......how do I extinguish the flame for which it had lit up again? Or was it a smoldering amber that was never or not properly extinguished?

Going Wrong

We try everything we can but sometimes without having the full picture, there is nothing we can do. There is nothing anybody can do. It is all a lie when we say off hand that we can handle everything. We say such things to make people feel better. We say such things to shut other people up so that we can, indeed, try our very best to help others without having anyone getting in our way. That's the truth.

We have got to deal with reality and let go of our desires sometimes. We may want to make sense of things when things go wrong, we want some possibility of cause and effect but the world we all know is not like that and it will only cause denial. Everyday, every moment, things go wrong for no reason. We can only live and accept that things will never be perfect.

I Don't Feel Wiser

I don't really feel any wiser today than usual. Hmm...... Just older. Damn. Getting old and stupid. Haha.

Letter To You

Dear *******,

I don't know your last name and I don't know where you live but I know that things have not been easy for you. Especially in your relationships and most recently your work, I believe. I know that you had put in all your effort but somehow things have not been in your favor. I understand how terrifying that is and how powerless you must be feeling. I want you to know that you are not alone and that your situation is not as hopeless as you think. Our paths were meant to cross, fleeting as it may have been. I didn't know why, I didn't know how and I didn't know when. But things have changed now. It is no longer going to unfold as I have feared. My gift to you is release from that dread, from the feeling that you are no longer in control. We will never meet. I won't even know you. So live your life, live everyday and know that the future is unwritten. Make the most of it.

Failing Health

The new environment is not working out. Ankle pains from my previous time in such an environment has returned barely 2 days in. My health is now suffering in my desparation. Sigh.

Tired After A Long Time

It has been a while but I finally felt tired after a day's work. Konked out really early last night and just woke up.

Desires Are Burdens

All humans move through various stages of desire. As a baby we desire to breathe, then we desire to eat and we desire to sleep. As we grow older, we desire to do well in our studies and to look for a good job. When we work, we desire to make alot of money, own a big house, drive a sports car. When we marry, we want a beautiful wife or a handsome husband, preferably rich. There is nothing wrong with having desires to improve one's life. However, when you look at all these desires, they just keep coming and coming. When one desire is satisfied we want another, and another and another. The vicious cycle continues, when will we be truly satisfied? Very soon, these desires becomes a burden in our lives. How often have you seen someone buy a car and still leave the plastic sheets on the car seats after a year? Or how car owners are screaming at kids when they step all over the seats? The purpose of a car is to serve you by providing convenience. However, from the above scenarios, it seems as if the car owner is serving the car instead. Instead of serving, the car is now a burden.

There is another story of how a group of friends had left a luggage behind at the departure country after returning from a tour. Everyone was waiting anxiously at the luggage carousel to see whose luggage had been left behind. One guy in particular was very worried. He had checked-in 2 luggage bags, one containing his normal clothes and underwear; the other containing a jacket worth SGD50,000. He was prepared to lose the cheaper luggage but was sweating over the possible demise of the luggage containing the expensive jacket. His desire to look good has now become a burden for him due his potential lost.

Often we place too much emphasis on outdoing one another. Grade, salary, position of power, status. The list goes on and on. The simplicity of life has been lost. By putting so much emphasis on our desires, we are inadvertently putting additional stress upon ourselves. The joy of life is lost.

On a side note, a recent research in the UK states that pregnant ladies should not be exposed to too much stress, whether external or self-inflicted. The consequences of such stress has shown a high probability of the child being born with one of the following mental disorders:
- Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
- Attention Deficit & Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)
- Conduct Disorder

What Is Happines To You?

How does one defines happiness? It is not something that is easy to define. Couple of years back, a newspaper in the UK had a contest to find out what defines happiness in people lives. Everyone was invited to write in and after which the stories were then put up for polls. The Top 4 results from the poll were as follows:

1) Happiness is when an artist has completed his/her work, takes a look at it and whistles in admiration at the work that has been done.
2) Happiness is going to a beach on a nice sunny day, using just your bare hands, some children toys and the sand to build a sandcastle.
3) Happiness is when a Mother despite having toiled the entire day, is able to give her child a bath at the end of the day.
4) Happiness is when a surgeon is able to save the patient's life with a successful surgery.

From the above top 4 results, we can see that fame and fortune is not what makes people happy. Rather, it is the little things we do in life which makes us happy. True happiness is achieved by living in the moment and doing things to the best of our ability.

Happiness can not be bought with money. You cannot exchange your fame for happiness. The constant pursuit of money and materialistic lifestyle will only make you feel inadequate. Be content with what you have and life will be much simpler and less stressful. You will then be able to feel true happiness.

Love Is An Addiction

Love is like an addiction
When you have it, you will be happy
When you lose it, you will suffer withdrawal-like symptoms
To get used to losing love is like kicking a habit
Nobody can help you, you have to depend on yourself

Destiny & Complications

Two people meeting is due in part to each other's destiny. To us humans, there is no escaping from love. We think we are above it but we just can't let go. We always ask each other to be rational but if we could, there would be no stories. There is no such thing as a clean break. We should always be open-minded. If we read too much into anything, it will only make ourselves unhappy. Why then do we chose to complicate matters?

5 Months & Counting

It has been exactly 5 months since my current designation. Good thing about my current designation is that all the telmarketeers, insurance people and financial services people shy away from me and don't contact me again after I tell them my current designation. Bad thing.....too many to count but one serious downside would be that I am unable to clear my study loan debts. Argggg.

Anyway, while trying to cheer myself up these few months, I found a couple of interesting videos on Youtube. These videos are not hugely popular or viral, but I think that the singing by these people are pretty good. Check this video out. It is by a girl from Germany who is singing a cover of the song "Endless Story" by Yuna Ito.