ambiguous relationships, what a farce

is it just me or have more of us guys been drawn into a world where the gals of singapore are looking for relationships which amount to something bordering of ambiguity? i have nothing against gals who are looking for such relationships as they would like to have a wider choice to select from but at the same time have they ever considered the guys feelings? many of them know how the guy feels about them but when the gal tells him that she doesn't want to lose a close friend, is she being fair with him, tagging him around? is she being fair to the guy then if he requests to be left alone but she denies him that right? isn't such behavior similar to that of a female version of a Playboy? it does seem somewhat of a farce, ain't it?

a former close female friend once said this to me, "it is just not possible for two people of the opposite sex to remain as just merely friends. somewhere down the road, one or the other will inevitably start to develop feelings for the other. at that juncture, that particular friendship will either develop into something beautiful or be doomed into oblivion."

i do not know how many of you have suffered such a fate. personally, after a series of events caused by me sometime last year which i am not proud of, i have started viewing my female counterparts in different aspects. no longer do i label them as friends anymore. guys, sure they are happily introduced as my friends or mates. the gals however, no disrespect to the few who have stood by me through my difficult times, i have considered them as schoolmates, coursemates or just plain colleagues. why do i make this distinction, you may ask. well, the thing is, i have had a couple of gals i used to see as just friends over the last 2 years and let's just say that things have not worked out with them since.

the former close friend who uttered the above line to me is right. i have heard that line uttered back in my polytechnic days but it was she who placed things in perspective for me. over the years, i have neither been slim, tall nor handsome. i'm no gentleman either. more often than not, i have shot from the hip and ended up shooting my own foot instead. even now that, i have managed to bring my roly poly size down from a XL to L size, i am still neither suave nor handsome. agreed, some have found me unrecognizable from my earlier days, but apart from the ladies at the company i was attached to, not one of my mates have claimed that i look better. slimmer yes, better none. in a way, they are right. my accident have left me somewhat disfigured, so much so that now, to find a girlfriend would be so much more difficult. being fat, ugly and short was difficult enough, now that a disfigured face is added to it, the bar has raised so much higher.

but are gals in singapore so...erm...what's the term...superficial? i try to think they are not. i know of gals who are really very nice people and pretty too while their other half are not exactly Tom Cruise or Ashton Kutcher. back in my younger days, i had managed to win the heart of a gal too and my polymates were like, "how did you win her heart?" you know, for the life of me, i really do not know. i believe that when for 2 person to come together as a couple, timing plays a part. for me, i have been stuck with a somewhat unsavory label, "Girls' Best Friend" for the past 5 years. always a friend, never the boyfriend. sure there have been gals that i have liked but it seems that i never am considered anymore than a friend.

then gals complain of us guys of being wishy washy. well, the thing is, we do not make a move until we are confident of being able to win the gal's heart. nobody likes rejections. personally, i have been rejected so many times that i have lost count but i ain't complaining. why? because i believe if you really like someone, if you are persistent enough but not irritating, you might win the fair maiden's heart. this is a totally different perspective to what i had when my previous relationship ended very messily. i was so frustrated back then that i told myself that the next time round, if there is a gal i like, i will do all i can to get her attention and win her heart but i will not make the first move. i was so disappointed and hurt that i could be considered emotionally scar-ed. for a moment about 2 years ago, thing sort of actually happened the way that i wished for but things did not work out and things were left hanging ever since. it might have been pure imagination on my part. i do not know.

due to my very messy upbringing, i have at times been seen as exceedingly conservative at yet at the same time with a soul of a child within. i am not the perfect guy out there but i always try to help when i can. i have been praised for being able to look at things in a different perspective and give valuable advise or judgments but at the same time i have been chided for not practicing what i preached. this is a sad but very true fact. i have also been accused of being a supremely obnoxious person but hey, we aren't all perfect are we? i do not give excuses for what i have done because excuses are just lies used to cover our actions.

by now your impression of me could be that i'm a downright despicable person without any sense of good within. well, all i can say is that i am no angel. if there is any saving grace left within me, it is only my friends and mates who would know. why them and not my family? because, no matter what you have done, in your family's eyes, you are no more mischievous than sinister. to the ladies whom i have inadvertently caused much pain and anguish to, i just can not say this enough, but i am sorry for what i have done. i ask not so much of your forgiveness but to appease the hatred that has being flaming within since then, for i am not deserving of your forgiveness after the things that i have done.

To the gal that is still having a stranglehold on my heart, this might sound a bit clichéd, especially from a guy who is supposedly english-savvy, 我很丑可是我很温柔




On a side note, to the person who has been very active within my comment pages, i thank you for your comments. I have never replied to your comments as i do not believe in stiffling freedom of speech. However, as you have brought unsavoury comments over to my friend's blog, which has caused great distress to my circle of blogging friends, you comments are not welcomed here anymore till you are willing to identify yourself. Point here is that, we leave the war within we do not drag others in, doing so is against blogging ethics. Also to the people who have attempted to address the imbalance, your efforts are very much appreciated, i thank you.