Living Pain Free

I keep leaving people behind because I have been afraid. But in actual fact, I have been leaving them because I do not want to feel pain. Everything that I have ever done was to avoid pain. Blowing hot and cold, jumping into relationships, burning bridges, being nice, being rude. I keep everyone at arm's length so that they cannot hurt me. I don't go seeking for pain like everyone else as if it is buried treasure. Pain happens when I care. When I love someone, I cannot do it without making myself open to her problem and her fears. I have not been unwilling to do that. Although I am always around but I have been accused of not always being there. Maybe it is because no matter how much I love someone, ultimately, I will choose to protect myself over everybody else. Over and over again. That is just the way I am.

Can I change? Can I move forward? Yes, I can. However, it will only happen when the right person comes along. Until then, I guess I would just like to keep myself pain free. Has the person arrived? I would like to think yes.