life & regrets
I didn’t want to start because I thought I could not commit to a woman or take up a life long commitment. There are those who understand my character and were not happy about it. They hated this character of mine but yet they still accepted me. Then I was involved in an accident. Is it because of it that I have self-deluded myself? That I used it as an excuse to overlook my commitment problem? It is not that I complicate matters. The point is that when two persons are together, they are happy. It is that simple. I know and I understand. Perhaps deep down, I hate this streak of mine which avoids commitment. And maybe, just maybe, because of my accident, I have found a very good excuse to lie to myself that I can be with the person I care for.
Sometimes, just maybe, humans are just too naïve. They think that by just winning a major war against a virus, it would be happiness forever and we would no longer need to put in as much effort in producing the vaccines against it. But if Mother Nature wants to punish us, it would find a way. In the end, what actually brings about the downfall of humans is not SARS, Ebola or Bird Flu but our very own arrogance.
A lifetime is not a short time. We all have done something that we regret. However, not everyone has the chance to amend what they regret they have done and to make a change. All of us have to grow up, we all have to learn, and nobody is an exception. None of us is. When I was in my teens, I used to think that it was easy to find someone who loves you as much as you love her. Oh those were the days, when we were young and had no worries, thinking the world is just that simple. Maybe, just maybe, this world is that simple and uncomplicated. It is just us complicating things ourselves. Who does not wish to be a simple person living a simple life? Truth be told, no one around us can do it. After the happenings of these two years, I keep telling myself I do not want to hurt others again for I have hurt too many. I thought I have learned how to handle relationships, how to take care of others, but it turned out there are myriad ways to hurt others. So subtle are some of the ways that I did not even know I had hurt others. Why not pull a lie to cover the eyes of the person I care about? Thing is, we are no fools and people nowadays are getting smarter. But then again, how would I know if a smart woman did not want to be fooled? On hindsight, I have regretted my brashness of forcing the issue back then. Largely it was because I knew the person would not lie and I could not lie to myself. I have thought of lying to myself but I knew that it would be foolish. What else can I do? Drag the subject out and keep running it through my head again? One of the reasons I am not attempting to do anything about my problems with the person I care about, is not so much that I did not know what to do but rather I do not wish to lie. I believe I know what kind of person I am and the person would know it too. Well, since we do not really hate each other, there really are no grounds for hurting each other. Maybe we have decided not to solve the problem and let it be, living out our own lives separately. From this, some would claim I am contradicting myself and do not understand what I am trying to prove. Sigh. My heart is not able to let go but I have to. One thing I am sure, if I do not settle my problems by the time I leave NTU, I will regret it. For someone who is so adamant against changing himself for anyone, I really do not deserve any sympathies yet I do not deserve any heckling either. Perhaps the best ending to this all might be to leave things as it is. Maybe, maybe not, who knows? By not being able to really acknowledge the ending of any of my relationships properly, might be just where my problem lies.
While trying to search for an answer to my problems, many things came back to me. That certain things as mundane as a disagreement can actually be fun. It depends on how you see things and from which angle you choose to see it from. If not for someone, I would not have realized that disagreements could have helped build a relationship. If not for disagreements, I would not have realized how much certain people mean to me. I would not have realized bowling could be fun or just walking could be so enjoyable. These past 2 years were the darkest period of my life. Through this dark period, I met people who tried to guide me out of the gloom. With my days at NTU numbered I am scared. Scared that I would never be able to see some people again. Scared that I have left things in a state beyond repair. It is not so much of that I do not want to do anything to but rather I do not know what to do. If things really turn out this way, I really do not know what to do. I am sorry, I really am. I really can not imagine what life at NTU and beyond would be if I have not met these people. If possible, I really hope that I can be allowed to start things anew. It is easy to lie to others but if it means lying to someone you love and for life, I do not think I can do it.
A man like me with so many shortcomings, it might not be a good thing to be the woman in my heart. I was once told, whether a man is good or bad, the verdict belongs to the woman with him, not the man himself.
What I would do and whether the other person would take the idea are two different issues, so how I think is not important at all. Some people by being careful, such as watching out before crossing the road, or always watching out for the fire while they are cooking, then they can avoid accidents. They can make plans for the next ten, twenty years or even thirty, forty years but I can not. Not without a purpose and direction in life. I can only plan for the possibilities but not the surprises. I am only but human. However, I do not ponder about this often for life is always changing. Torturing oneself once a year is more than enough, there is no need to keep worrying about the future. A reason why people do not want to acknowledge that they are old is because they do not want to torture themselves. Besides that, it is also to give oneself some hope, that one is not really growing old that fast. Also, it would give oneself time to correct the mistakes they have done. There are bound to be difficulties in any relationship but if they are bound to happen, why should we worry about them? Why not just take it in our stride?
Living to this day, a quarter of a century old, I have seen pains and I have gone through pains. I have seen my beloved who gave up her social circle for me, I have seem my closest leaving this world, I met someone whom I really wanted to be with and I had a relationship which both of us wanted to get out of. I have owed and I have forgiven. It might not have been a beautiful life thus far but at least I have experienced life somewhat, knowing that my life was not lived in bitterness.
Sometimes, just maybe, humans are just too naïve. They think that by just winning a major war against a virus, it would be happiness forever and we would no longer need to put in as much effort in producing the vaccines against it. But if Mother Nature wants to punish us, it would find a way. In the end, what actually brings about the downfall of humans is not SARS, Ebola or Bird Flu but our very own arrogance.
A lifetime is not a short time. We all have done something that we regret. However, not everyone has the chance to amend what they regret they have done and to make a change. All of us have to grow up, we all have to learn, and nobody is an exception. None of us is. When I was in my teens, I used to think that it was easy to find someone who loves you as much as you love her. Oh those were the days, when we were young and had no worries, thinking the world is just that simple. Maybe, just maybe, this world is that simple and uncomplicated. It is just us complicating things ourselves. Who does not wish to be a simple person living a simple life? Truth be told, no one around us can do it. After the happenings of these two years, I keep telling myself I do not want to hurt others again for I have hurt too many. I thought I have learned how to handle relationships, how to take care of others, but it turned out there are myriad ways to hurt others. So subtle are some of the ways that I did not even know I had hurt others. Why not pull a lie to cover the eyes of the person I care about? Thing is, we are no fools and people nowadays are getting smarter. But then again, how would I know if a smart woman did not want to be fooled? On hindsight, I have regretted my brashness of forcing the issue back then. Largely it was because I knew the person would not lie and I could not lie to myself. I have thought of lying to myself but I knew that it would be foolish. What else can I do? Drag the subject out and keep running it through my head again? One of the reasons I am not attempting to do anything about my problems with the person I care about, is not so much that I did not know what to do but rather I do not wish to lie. I believe I know what kind of person I am and the person would know it too. Well, since we do not really hate each other, there really are no grounds for hurting each other. Maybe we have decided not to solve the problem and let it be, living out our own lives separately. From this, some would claim I am contradicting myself and do not understand what I am trying to prove. Sigh. My heart is not able to let go but I have to. One thing I am sure, if I do not settle my problems by the time I leave NTU, I will regret it. For someone who is so adamant against changing himself for anyone, I really do not deserve any sympathies yet I do not deserve any heckling either. Perhaps the best ending to this all might be to leave things as it is. Maybe, maybe not, who knows? By not being able to really acknowledge the ending of any of my relationships properly, might be just where my problem lies.
While trying to search for an answer to my problems, many things came back to me. That certain things as mundane as a disagreement can actually be fun. It depends on how you see things and from which angle you choose to see it from. If not for someone, I would not have realized that disagreements could have helped build a relationship. If not for disagreements, I would not have realized how much certain people mean to me. I would not have realized bowling could be fun or just walking could be so enjoyable. These past 2 years were the darkest period of my life. Through this dark period, I met people who tried to guide me out of the gloom. With my days at NTU numbered I am scared. Scared that I would never be able to see some people again. Scared that I have left things in a state beyond repair. It is not so much of that I do not want to do anything to but rather I do not know what to do. If things really turn out this way, I really do not know what to do. I am sorry, I really am. I really can not imagine what life at NTU and beyond would be if I have not met these people. If possible, I really hope that I can be allowed to start things anew. It is easy to lie to others but if it means lying to someone you love and for life, I do not think I can do it.
A man like me with so many shortcomings, it might not be a good thing to be the woman in my heart. I was once told, whether a man is good or bad, the verdict belongs to the woman with him, not the man himself.
What I would do and whether the other person would take the idea are two different issues, so how I think is not important at all. Some people by being careful, such as watching out before crossing the road, or always watching out for the fire while they are cooking, then they can avoid accidents. They can make plans for the next ten, twenty years or even thirty, forty years but I can not. Not without a purpose and direction in life. I can only plan for the possibilities but not the surprises. I am only but human. However, I do not ponder about this often for life is always changing. Torturing oneself once a year is more than enough, there is no need to keep worrying about the future. A reason why people do not want to acknowledge that they are old is because they do not want to torture themselves. Besides that, it is also to give oneself some hope, that one is not really growing old that fast. Also, it would give oneself time to correct the mistakes they have done. There are bound to be difficulties in any relationship but if they are bound to happen, why should we worry about them? Why not just take it in our stride?
Living to this day, a quarter of a century old, I have seen pains and I have gone through pains. I have seen my beloved who gave up her social circle for me, I have seem my closest leaving this world, I met someone whom I really wanted to be with and I had a relationship which both of us wanted to get out of. I have owed and I have forgiven. It might not have been a beautiful life thus far but at least I have experienced life somewhat, knowing that my life was not lived in bitterness.
posted by Prosage at 7:31 pm
1 Comments:
Wow, very long-winded and there's that lil' bit of emo-ness. ROFLMAO. You should ought to congratulate the ones who did finish reading that entry. @_@
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